How to speak to friends, family, and coworkers about your IVF

You may not want to talk about your IVF journey with most people in your life. And understandably: this is a very personal, intimate, and difficult time for you, and most people going through IVF don’t feel able to be open, bold, and confident to speak about what they are experiencing.

“Coming out” as an IVF patient is also self-labeling yourself in the infertility category.

I think the number one reason people don’t want to speak about their IVF journey is because the outcome isn’t guaranteed. To expose yourself as doing IVF opens yourself up to questions from every side. “What is the next step in your treatment?” “Have you heard of the [fill in the blank] test?” “Are you hoping for twins?” “will you transfer multiple embryos? Why not?” “Are you pregnant yet?” (And on and on…)

There will still be people who you need to share with as you navigate this challenging chapter of your life.

You may have to disclose to your work manager or to HR that you need time away from work or special circumstances (ie working from home or avoiding heavy lifting). There will be family events or holidays you may have to skip. You will go through many periods of restricted eating and drinking, be it while waiting for pregnancy results, or while prepping your body for a future cycle.

Unfortunately, most people who struggle with infertility spend months (if not years) of their lives doing fertility treatments before reaching the finish line of a live birth of a child.

While you might chose to keep your cards close at first, you will likely need start to speak about your IVF situation on an ‘as needed’ basis, and its best to have a plan for this conversation.

Be prepared.

A good way to approach these conversations is with visuals or a script that can lead the conversation. If the conversation includes your partner, for example speaking to your parents, discuss what details are important to include and exclude, remembering that you might have different comfort levels with your privacy.

Express what you need from your audience.

This should be direct. You can say something like “I’m asking for your support, but not looking for advice right now. I have a good team of doctors who are giving me guidance”.

Is there a situation you need to be excluded from, like a baby shower? Would you like your sister in law to kindly stop sending baby pictures to you? Even if your request isn’t fully received or fulfilled, you won’t get what you don’t ask for.

Observe your own reaction to these conversations.

If you find yourself spinning the situation overly positive, laughing as you talk about painful procedures, or comforting the person because they seem upset about what you’re going through, it’s time to take a step back. You can say something like “I want to take a break from talking about this” or “I’ll let you know if there’s something I can update you on”.

Don’t forget, you are in control of what and when and how you share this personal information. Take a moment to review the conversation. If you feel burdened or discouraged from the conversation, consider if you need to keep this person on an information diet.

Take your time.

There’s no deadline on having these conversations. Be considerate of your emotional needs and share as feels appropriate. Ultimately the point of sharing is to gather support as you continue down the road of fertility treatment and only you can know when the time is right to share. Practice kindness towards yourself and don’t feel pressure to give anyone information because they ask for it or feel entitled to it.